Last night I fell asleep feeling like a piece of crap. I just closed the door after saying good night to my boyfriend and burst into tears soon as I new he was out of earshot.
I have just come out of a year riddled with countless days of depression. I’ve been feeling good lately and thought I was I was free. But last night my black dog paid me a visit.
At the time I tried to find the thread of how and why it was triggered. But it’s a bit like trying to remember a dream once you wake up. The harder you try the more elusive that thread becomes.
I’ve got a few ideas.
One is the watching of Bridget Jones as she gets pregnant and ultimately makes a huge transition in a life that has revolved around dating, dieting and drinking.
Bridget is loveable because she is us. The damage, the quest for love, the career and the lies we tell ourselves in pursuit of a happy and fulfilled life.
Although I’m not 43, I’m 36 and similarly many friends are married, with the house, children and it stresses me out when I think about it. Deeply.
In my blue periods I may not sit around drinking wine to emotional love songs, I mainly hide under my duvet with Netflicks. But the pain, shame and temporary releases are not that far off.
Persistent negative thoughts can include the fear of leaving things too late and subsequent problematic births, or in fact no pregnancy at all. As a woman born into an Indian household motherhood is all I have seen. I know from my other ‘spinster’ friends that to be a happy human woman is not defined by children or men. In fact it’s adventure that drives these women, thank god for friends like these.
Jealousy and Envy are the too foes I hand my control over to at times. It’s something I am quite ashamed of, but my awareness about this helps me manage a tiny bit better. I often tell myself that things may look peachy on the outside but there is always more to the picture than those perfect social media posts and hash tags.
How I make peace with this, is that I don’t. It’s like a longing that is sometimes thumps quite deeply in my chest, or other times it pulses along. I give myself permission to grieve this life when it’s loud and take joys in the freedom in my spinsterhood by following my dreams instead.
One of those dreams is to connect with people who are feeling bad and help them feel better, simply put.
So if you are ‘on the shelf’ (what a horrible term) remembering you life has incredible value, capacity for many adventures yet to come and to fuck what the movies tell you - create your own story!
Top 5 tips for marriage/child envy
1) Listen to a YoutTube of a baby crying and realise you don’t have to deal with that
2) Remind yourself your dreams/bucket lists and start action planning them
3) Let the sadness be its ok acceptance of what is going on knowing ‘this too shall pass’
4) Watch animals, the freedom of a bird in the sky or the way cats stroll around as if the devil may care. The animal kingdom has so much wisdom to offer us
5) Keep yourself physically fit; if you do want children this is a good way to start investing in them, looking after you is the number one priority. It’s not Selfish it’s Self care people!